remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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