hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
