Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize