I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
BRING THE BAGELS
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
