You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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