make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
