New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
