They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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