I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
