and you said cock pushups were impossible
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm having to shit out rocks
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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