you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
