I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
