Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Ketchup is God's man juice
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
