Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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