I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
