OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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