I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize