I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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