fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
