i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
