don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
