he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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