Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
