I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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