I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
