The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
