Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
