The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Randomize
