i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i out mim tonsoeep
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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