dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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