What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
