I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
