I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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