You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
