I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
