Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it was like eating out sand paper
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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