i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
