you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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