I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
