So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
