If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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