She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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