Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
