i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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