So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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