I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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