she kept yelling 'call me bella'
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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