I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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