So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
