This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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