The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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