I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
