I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
