drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We just shotgunned beers for America
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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