The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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