You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
