dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
