my phone needs a breathalizer
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
