Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
