called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
