shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
