Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
