Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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