My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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