before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
