Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
