gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
