As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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