I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
